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[19 Sep 2009|02:18pm] |
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This is my distress signal.
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| Dear Lj |
[03 Aug 2009|04:07pm] |
I'm so sorry for neglecting you
...I know I keep saying that I'll pay more attention to you, but I get the feeling that the shit I have to say will destroy me on its way out. I miss myself...not an ego thing, really...rather, I miss the emotional independence I discovered after I left Missy. For NINE FUCKING YEARS i lived for someone, and while I'm not really that person anymore, I AM pretty fucking broken. 2006...that was the last time I gave lj the love it deserves. what has happened since '06....
Chapter One
fuck....
Moved to Sacramento in May of that year to try and make things right between Jessi and I.
Rewind a year or so...
Basically... I took a really long time to give Rocio the love she needed. Not that it's "right", but I couldn't find it in me to trust her until it was too late. By the time I got my head out of my ass, she'd changed...she'd become selfish. Just to clarify, I wasn't a raging asshole, just distant..and very patient considering the shit she was pulling. So, I guess I was hoping that her patience would be as forgiving as my own, but alas, it wasn't and I got the shit end of the stick when she moved to Austin. Here's where my weakness and indecisiveness get sticky. I started talking to Jessi as the Rocio thing was burning to the ground. Instead of letting myself heal, get my bearings, take time to be my own person, I dove head on into a relationship with Jessi. We were both recovering from messy breakups, and mine was exacerbated by the fact that Rocio wanted me back every other month. Being that I wasn't over her, I tried...foolishly to maintain both relationships until the right decision would make itself clear.
After months of putting up with my shit, Jessi had had enough, and left me to go to Sacramento to start a new life. Around the same time, Rocio was basically giving me the green light to be together....this would be one of my lifes defining moments. I KNEW Jessi was the right choice, and I was being given exactly what I'd been waiting for from Rocio. I don't know why, but something inside me just clicked...and my love and compassion for Jessi eclipsed everything I wanted previously.
After a few weeks of apologies, Jessi knew I was serious, and plans were begun to move away from my hometown for the first time in my life.
Stay tuned for chapter Two
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| greenroom |
[18 May 2009|09:48am] |
I know I'm supposed to be excited about doing something with my life..motivation is good..ambition is positive..
I'm 9 months in, with less than 6 to go..and I'm miserable. Shouldn't I be excited? Shouldn't I feel proud. If anything, I feel like I've wasted everyones time and energy, as well as my own. "You won't let yourself be happy." I keep hearing that from people. If that's true, what's the point?
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[31 Oct 2008|02:51pm] |
happy halloween, kiddies.
be safe.
<3
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| my baddddddddddd |
[18 Aug 2008|01:13pm] |
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i was supposed to start taking this thing seriously..but i fucking suck. anywhoooo...here i am.
leaving sacramento behind was odd...mixed feelings a bit. there were some complex relationships forged in the lame furnace of the 916..and although i'm glad to be gone, there are a few faces that have been permanently grafted to my psyche. what's in a friendship? some are so unexpected, some even unwelcomed..but there they are, constantly challenging and evolving. i learned a lot in sacramento...mostly about greed, and how people never stop wanting to get caught up in high school drama. oh, and i also learned that everyone will be gay by 2012..go figure.
so....here i am in el paso...seeing the kids has been calming. i'm still stressing the move to san antonio, but i think getting this school shit out of the way is exactly what i need.
-no more sidetracking
-no more excuses
-no more drama
i'm tempted to get into emotional stuff..but i'll save that for my next entry.
soon, i promise.
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| I'M BACK |
[27 Mar 2008|02:15pm] |
i don't know why i left..but i regret it.
i'm going going to reread some of the last entries i had, then do my best to play catch up.
still love you guys.
~bunny McFaithless
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| ahah |
[26 May 2007|04:26pm] |
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man, you reeeeally fucked up
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| El Paso CAN be beautiful |
[09 May 2007|07:19am] |
...even though i'm stuck
..everything's gonna be alright
and then.......
the sky was falling
begin
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[04 May 2007|10:18am] |
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i'm finally getting a .357
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[26 Feb 2007|03:52pm] |
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| same shit, different diaper |
[05 Jan 2007|04:42am] |
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mood |
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music |
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johnny rebel |
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..so i tried to be the bigger person about it..tried to avoid the internet drama by dealing with
shit in person. apparently, this isn't good enough. apparently, you're a bad ass that would have
"put me in my place", had we been somewhere else.
...fucking gay ass internet excuses. do you fucking realize that you wouldn't even cross my mind if it weren't for people always telling me that you bitch about me? get the fuck over it. get the fuck over yourself.
1. i don't give a fuck about bobbi. she chose a cheating, whining scene kid over a 5 year friendship, she's dead to me.
2. i NEVER gave a fuck about you, you're the one that continues to try and get my attention.
3. despite all the shit you talk about fucking me up, the most you've ever done is shoot me awkward glances.
walking out of wal-mart-
jessi: he'll probably post an entry using the excuse that he didn't do anything because he didn't want to get fired
me: i don't think he's THAT stupid..(this is despite your ego driven paranoia about me actually caring enough about you to hack your myspace....seriously?)
well sir, your ignorance never ceases to amaze me. BRAVO!
this is the last i'll mention of you, anything else you have to say about me i'll merely regard as a joke.
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[17 Dec 2006|04:56am] |
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mood |
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 anxious |
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i broke my finger playing with jackie.
despite that, the last couple of days have owned.
thank you jessi <3
thank you thomas
thank you manny
thank you candace
thank you dan
thank you justin
thank you josh
thank you denise
thank you allison
i still think that el paso sucks, but i have to really give it up for my true friends, as well as to jessi for
standing beside me through the roughest of times.
ya see, i had some relationships come to an end without warning...and when i tried to deal with these people in a mature manner, i was only greeted with lies and closed doors. i'm good to those that allow my love, and i promise to stand by all of you as long as you respect me.. as for those bitches that whisper in dark corners, yet cower when confronted, you're dead to me, nothing more than a phase.
three more weeks til i bounce!! cali is my new home, can't wait to go back.
love and respect to my kids
~OUT
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| a lesson in self control |
[30 Nov 2006|08:08am] |
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soooooooooooooooooooo....
i'm back in el paso now.
why?
although i answered this question in my previous post, i'm def going to
admit that i made the wrong fucking decision.
anywho. live and learn.
i've now decided to burn the candle from both ends.
jackie is for sale.
1800 takes her. if i get her fixed prior to her being sold, i'll be gone the next day.
if i sell her at any point, i'll be gone that day. end of story.
i have a few regrets as far as the way the last few months went down.
1. psyche
2. i should have gotten a room-mate while i had the job at the store.
3. i should have taken up offers to move to other cities...seriously.
over all, my experience in sacramento was amazing. i made some amazing friends, people that i won't let go of anytime soon. i found ambition inside myself that i never knew
existed. i'm really sorry i left.
while i'm in town, there are a few people i'd like to see.
i'll call you in the next few days.
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[17 Nov 2006|07:32pm] |
so how are we doing, you little fuck-monkeys, you?
me?
i'm on the edge of my fucking seat...loving and hating every minute.
been here in sac-town for 6 months..seen some sights..made some friends..
regretfully, it's been an uphill battle.
problems with love, living situations, and a psychotic employer have put me in a pretty interesting situation.
while i have opportunities to move to a couple of different places, i've opted to go back to el paso to regroup for a minute.
a. jessi is there
b. i have the money to get jackie fixed up
c. there's family shit that needs tending to
after a couple of months there, i'll be heading back out here.
time and perspective have given way to new ambition.
so for anyone that wishes to see me while i'm around, i'll be back by monday.
love you guys
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[07 Nov 2006|07:00pm] |
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everything dies
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[09 Sep 2006|10:10pm] |
i'm losing my mind.
still truckin, though
eat shit.
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[28 Aug 2006|03:27am] |
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i'm a starfish
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[26 Aug 2006|02:29am] |
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fuck this
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[15 Aug 2006|04:07pm] |
i'm a certain someone...
i love being me
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[03 Aug 2006|02:12am] |
i have a migraine..i'm restless...a storm is coming..
be my sunshine?
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